But I’m No Expert

So, I read Wired magazine’s website everyday. They usually have really tech stuff, plus tech-related toys that I like to ogle, like the new Ducati motorcycle. Anyway, They recently ran a series called the “How-tos” and had a mini article on how to do something. Some of the topics were “How to Get Ahead (at work)“, “How to Take Great Photos“, and “How to Live Healthier“. My personal favorite was “How to Be an Expert on Anything“.

As a certified non-expert, I thought this might be my chance to relinquish my certification in favor of a more distinguished title of Certified (something something) Expert. So I read the article, which was put together by Steven Colbert, my first clue that this might not get what I want from this article. Basically, the article is a spoof of how to become an expert, or basically, how to do what Steven Colbert does. Granted, he’s fairly funny, but obviously, I’m not going to become a Certified (something something) Expert on anything using tips from this article. There’s got be some way to become an expert at something! And it has to be easy…but that’s probably why I’m no expert…

Crap snappin’ turtleneck purple people eatin’ cribbage cabbage frickin’ frackin’ rackin’ crackin’ dolly dilly dabble dibble gibble snarfin’ crappin’ pooperdoodles!

So there you go. Sometimes you just have to cuss. As I’ve stated before, if I’m going to cuss, I’m going to try hard to make you laugh while I do it. Hope that worked.

A friend recently told me that he could handle pain, but the hardest thing was watching family getting hurt and not able to do anything about it. Which leads to why I’m cussing tonight. Apparently, the trend in churches today is that if you want to get rid of someone on staff, just assassinate their character, ruin their future career possibilities, and that will make them either want to leave or will do enough damage to get them fired. Unfortunately, this certified non-expert’s Dad was the target of just such a tactic. My wife says he should write a book called “Christians Behaving Badly”. I can just picture some girl in a “What Would Jesus Do” t-shirt flashing her chest with a big CENSORED bar across it as the cover. It would probably sell. Heck, the people he would write about would probably buy it just to show off their See-I-Can-Lie-To-Get-A-Pastor-Out-Of-His-Job skills…but I digress.

I don’t need to go into details about what happened, but the following should give you some clues. This is all from The Message, the book of James chapters 3 & 4. We’ll call this the Best of James on the Current Situation collection.

You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?

I’ve decided I don’t need to talk badly about anyone in this situation…I can just read the Bible and tell them exactly what I think! Especially that spoiled children part. If only they had read this stuff and Matthew 18:15-17 before they engineered this coup, it would have turned out completely differently, but I’m no expert.

Not that they ever left, but they are back to really screwing us up the tailpipes…more like gas tanks. Can you believe this? $75!!! Come on. Greedy…sons…of….anyway. I read one story about how there is enough coal under Illinois alone to replace our imports from Saudi Arabia. Interesting. Apparently, there is a way to produce diesel from coal, which is actually are really good idea. First of all, diesel engines are more efficient, tough as nails, and they make you sound like you drive a big rig. That last one is the most important of course!

Seriously, if we’re going to end our dependence on foreign oil, shouldn’t we be mass producing alternatives out the ying yang?! If this coal/diesel is really that good of a deal, then let’s get the lead out (no, not unleaded…just hurry up already!) and git r dun…but I’m no expert.

Has anyone noticed this ridiculous line at the end of every political commercial? Maybe I only notice it because Senator Frist is leaving the Senate and there is a hot race for his seat. But I’m pretty sure it was in every presidential commercial in 2004 too. What’s up with this line?

Apparently, the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act was passed in 2002 and it required politicians to “stand by their ads” and approve every communication put out to the public. Ok, I get that. But why this particularly stupid line? The article from Wikipedia that talks about this line says most people think this sounds silly and awkward. Well, YEAH!

Do we really need this at the end of a commercial where the candidate is actually talking to us? I don’t care if you approve this message, sell me on your point. I can understand making a candidate take responsibility for attacking another candidate, but this line has to go. I mean really. We should be intelligent enough to find a line that gets across the same meaning without them sounding like they are mentally deficient. I’m no expert…but I approve this message…